A phone can change your life. Or maybe not.

(Wrote this about an year ago)

A phone is a person's best friend. No ? Ok then, a phone "can be" a person's best friend. Nah ? Alright. :P It surely was one of my favorite possessions. Yes, "WAS". I lost it. Rather, someone stole it. I could sit and throw as many expletives as I can fathom at that person, but I can't get myself to do that. During times of utter depression, I want to. But I don't. Nah am not trying to be a Mother Teresa. But it's true that I don't know what circumstances led that person to steal it. Probably they were just going for my Adidas bag and the phone was a bonus. Probably someone mistook it for theirs and realized their blunder a lil too late and got tempted to keep it. For whatever reasons, since it's gone for good, I just hope that it helped someone. Probably they were in dire need of money and sold it and maybe it helped them out of some misery ?! I like to believe so. It somewhat soothes MY misery. But the lucky guy is the one who is using it right now. (/girl :-?) But I highly doubt if some girl would be interested in an app like "Blow her skirts" :P Yes, it's one of the apps that person had downloaded on my phone. :P

So coming back to April 2012, on a day to be mourned upon, I entered the lab for the last Practical exam of my engineering life at 9:35 am and came out at 11:20 to realize that my world has come crashing down. Too strong a phrase to describe my plight ?! I don't think so. That phone, that HTC HD2, was my treasured possession. I had even rooted it with Android. For me, it was the best phone in the world. Nothing could convince me otherwise. (Today I own a Samsung Galaxy S3, and I would readily trade this to get my HTC back.)

I called my mom and told her everything. She couldn't breathe for a while.:P But when I called and told my dad a few mins later, his first reaction was - "But you're fine right ? It's ok. It's gone now. Just call the customer care and block your sim. Go home and don't spoil you health over it". It was a 32K mobile !! :O How can he tell me to just get over it ?!! :O This was my first reaction. Though, later, when I pondered over his words, I realized how blessed I was to have a parent like that. We take our loved ones for granted. So much that only situations like this make us realize their worth. Tch tch, What a world we live in !

Sometimes, words fail.

I know that you know that I regard you as family, but somehow, I feel that you still don't understand the importance of it. That you underestimate the place you hold in my life. I don't know what I would do in a world without my mom and dad or my brothers. Kinda difficult to imagine. Just that way, my world somehow seems incomplete without you too.

Everyone knows that I have intimacy issues. I know humans are not telepathic, but still I can't put it in words what certain people mean to me. Yet you are one of the very few for whom I make the effort. I try and string the words together even though I don't want to. Coz with some people, I don't want it to be too late in telling them to stay. Stay in spite of how inconsiderate and flawed I'm. Coz I value them in my life.

The time I heard your song. Did I ever mention that I stopped listening to the original one and listen to yours instead ? Every single time.

At times when we are both too proud to reconcile after an argument, I might act like I don't give a damn, but I do. If I don't see you online for a few days, it kills me not to know if you're fine. Half of me is too proud to ask, the other half is too scared. Scared that you'd think I'm just using it as an excuse to talk and don't mean it. Scared that even if you needed someone to talk to, you wouldn't consider me. I just want you to be ridden of any worries hanging upon you, and if I can help in any way, I do want you to consider me. Coz you have had your share of worries and tears. I don't ever want you to feel helpless again. But sadly, I have no power regarding that.

The times when you call me "baji". I simultaneously hate and love it. I know it's not your intention but it has a very manipulative effect on me. I would never have let you have the Gryffindor account otherwise. :| It's the forbidden word in my dictionary. But if ever you want me to do something that I absolutely don't want to, this four-letter word would do it for you. :P

The frustration I feel when you talk about your studies, I wanna punch something. I know you're trying hard, and I know your ways of coping with it are totally different from mine, but you make it sound so inconsequential that I can't get enough of the words "What the hell is wrong with you !!" Even with all your efforts to mess up your career, I still deep down believe in you. Believe that someday you'll make something of yourself. Something worthy that you could be proud of (however lame it turns out to be :P)

Times I made you cry. I lost count. :P But let me assure you, you were not the only one doing the crying. Every single time it happened, I hated myself. Like I don't deserve to be a part of your life. Coz YOU don't deserve to be felt like that, or treated like that. Every time, I promise myself that it won't happen again. Yet, every time I break it. Eventually, I might forget about the incident, but the guilt doesn't go away. It stays. And I'll just have to live with it.

This was a text I was sending you on your 18th birthday. But my hand wavered and I couldn't hit "send". It's been in my drafts ever since.
"My bro once told me that he might not be the world's best bro but he will be the world's only bro to love me so much. And I can say the same for you. Happy birthday babes."

The times you show me pics of the weirdest accessories in the world and go on and on about how much you love them, it annoys the hell outta me. :| But when I get over that thought (takes a while though :P), I try to remember them. Maybe you'd love to have them some day. But I can't keep it in my memory for more than a few days :P But the point is, I care enough to TRY to remember them. 

There were times when you were at the receiving end of my mood swings. The last time I said 'F*ck you', it was the day my bro left and I knew I won't be seeing him for another 2 months. And the reason I didn't talk to you since, is not coz I don't want to, not coz am mad at you, but coz I feel ashamed. I don't know how to make amends. Maybe you don't give much thought to it, but I do. I feel like a loser. Who would abuse her own sister coz she was missing her brother ?! Yeah me !!

Yes, am pretty sure we'll have many more misunderstandings in the future, more fights and more arguments, longer intervals of not-talking sessions, lose our tempers in the worst ways possible (we're very good at that), but there will never come a time, when I'd stop caring about you. Of course, since am the one who's doing the talking and not you, I dunno if I can say the same of you. Wish that I stop suffocating you with my unending questions. A year back, I wouldn't have stopped. But now, if you ever feel like you've had enough, I know I'd easily let you go. Coz now, you can sensibly decide for yourself what is good for you and what is not. And I'd blindly trust your judgment. Coz you deserve that. I can't force you to hang on to me, just coz MY life seems incomplete without you. I have learnt, that it's not about me at all. It never was.

Till a few years back, I was glad that I didn't have any sisters coz I never felt the lacuna for it. Now I'm glad coz I have you and I couldn't have wished for anyone better. But I also know that YOU deserve someone better. I'm sorry for all the times I hurt you and caused you pain. I don't think there is anything I can do to make amends.

My life. My way.

I love my life. No, it's not perfect. It's perplexed and complicated. Only as much as I let it.


The regrets of the past, the inhibitions for the future and the constant instability and stillness combined making the present, it's not perfect. But that's no reason to not love it. Do I want to change anything about it ? Definitely yes. But would I ? No. 'Coz then it would become uncomplicated and boring. Predictable even.

There are days when I feel like I have no purpose in life. And days when my goals are crystal clear. Even days when the feeling of my existence doesn't sink in. All I feel is void. And more importantly, the days when I feel alive. Like a free bird flying high in the sky in her favorite season. Like a flower that has just bloomed and feels absolute bliss.


What makes these days more momentous is the excruciating ennui I experience during the others. As they say, you can't appreciate light when you have no idea about the darkness. Hence, I welcome them all. The pain, the sorrow, the glee, the euphoria, the agony, the insomnia, the jitters, the excitement, the fun, the nostalgia, the craziness, the madness - the being ME. No rules, no pretenses. No fear of being myself.

Yes, just like everyone else, when I do something I'm not proud of, I hide behind tunnels and build barriers so I could feel good about myself. But my conscience sweats all it can to find it. The guilt pours in. Followed by the fear of karma. Then the justifications of your deed. The hollowness of the justifications. The helplessness. And then the real repentance. The regret. This cycle never ceases. Not for me. Is that a sign of a good conscience ? How do you even differentiate between good and bad ? Even if there was a way to do it, I know it for a fact I'm not a qualified person for that. So I don't try to analyze or compare myself with others in this regard. I don't even ask myself. I just know. That the regret I feel is deserving. It's the right way to live life. There's nothing to be ashamed of. We are humans. Prone to all the disasters ever possible. A few, we create. So it's ok to have regrets. It's even healthy. It makes you a better person.

When asked a simple question "what do you want from life?", we often make it so complicated by flashing images of all our fantasies. Difficult to pin on just one image. Maybe even impossible. When we finally do, the fear of missing out on something larger. And in the end, instead of an explicit view, we choose to be abstract about it. We sum it up by saying maybe love, health, wealth, happiness. Some creative people choose to say "world tour", "own a restaurant", "become an actor". And some over creative ones choose "land on the moon", "time-travel" and what not. :| Why make it so complicated ? Why can't you just say you want to be happy ? Isn't being happy the most important aspect of one's survival ?


I remember when a friend asked me the same question a couple of years back and I said "Get a job that provides me with enough money to buy as many books as I can read". And even today, when I think back on that reply, it brings a smile on my face. :-)
But if I were to have what I wish for and be located in, say Bangalore, away from my home then my wish, my dream, my desire - it would mean nothing. I wouldn't even be able to appreciate it. So does that mean I should have answered with "to be always with my family" ? What if both my wishes were fulfilled but good health eluded a member of my family ? Would I be happy then ? Or should I just pile up all my wishes and squeeze them in one sentence ? :P


See the complexity ?! :D It could have all been avoided if I had simply answered with "I just want to be happy". But of course if someone were to ask you "what makes you happy?", the long process will start all over again. :D And there is no one answer to this question. At least, not for me.


Go live your life. Have your share of laughter and tears, make a few mistakes and enemies, build some promises and regrets, owe a couple of apologies and debts, create memories, chase your dreams and savor your fantasies but never forget what matters the most to you. Always choose health over wealth. And family over everyone else. :-)

The plight of Deccan Chargers !

Remember when India went down under last December and came back losing all test matches, ODIs and T20s ?! Of course, no Indian Cricket fan would forget that. :P

But even during that series, you never hated the Team Blue. Yes, you made fun of it, you jeered after an historic loss and yet when the next match started, you had your hopes high and supported it by waking up at 5 AM just to watch the top order crumble yet again.

That's exactly how I felt during IPL season 1. I made fun of Deccan Chargers but I never stopped supporting it. It's a sin to not support your home team.

The season 2 followed very soon. We were the champions. Not undefeatable (:P) but all that matters is, we brought the title home. All praises to the Gilly-Lehmann pair (and the fact that, it was held in South Africa and not in Hyderabad :P).

And then came IPL auction 4 and the very witty and the very smart (yes, note the sarcasm) Gayatri Reddy decided to bid $900,000 for Dan Christian. :| Sangakkara, Steyn and Duminy were enough for them. And in exchange for whom ? Adam Gilchrist, Andrew Symonds, Herschelle Gibbs, Rohit Sharma, RP Singh. Yes, bamboozled, aren't you ?! Now give me a reason, why I should watch this IPL 4 when there is no hope to even hope for a win ?!

And don't even get me started on Season 5. They get Parthiv Patel for $650,000 and thankfully lose Ravindra Jadega after bidding for a whopping $2M. :|

On the brighter side, the matches aren't being scheduled in Hyd coz of the Telangana issues. Hence the jinx won't have any effect right !? But we landed in Vizag and bang we jinxed it too. Hence the bright side gets nullified. :P

But don't be disheartened. As they say, "Where there's a will, there's a way", I did find a bright side for all those people who quit watching IPL. During every DC match, always bet against DC. Trust me you'll be able to clear all your debts and might as well be able to experience the life of riches and fantasies. :D

P.S: I'm sorry to have insulted VVS Laxman by not even acknowledging him. But I couldn't resist mentioning him now, just to bring out the humor element associated with him. :P

Every time someone mentions DC, I always visualize them like this.

Placements

(My placement experience - an article I wrote for my college magazine, Communique 2012)

That feeling you experience when you see your name in the selected list of candidates, cannot be described in words. Unless you actually go through all that struggle, pain, torture, nervousness, restlessness, you will not be able to relish the goose bumps you get when you stare at your name in that list. That feeling beats everything else. And I'm glad and consider myself lucky to be one of the very few who felt it not once, not twice, but thrice in a span of just 3 minutes.

I'll be eternally grateful to the MJCET Alumni Association for conducting such an eventful learning experience through the Campus Recruitment Training programme. The esteemed, excellent and the experienced faculty that we were blessed with for that one week changed the life of so many students.

Spending the days and the nights with the RS Aggarwal books and all that training and hard work doesn't matter if you can't execute it when the moment demands it. Clearing the aptitude is not really a huge feat. It's all about competition. The company never decides the cut-off marks before the exam. They set it after the results are out. All you need to do is, be in the top 150 or 200 among those 500 students who participate in the placements. How hard is that? Not at all, if you make it your priority to get into all the companies that you're eligible for. You just need to prepare for 2 weeks like you've never done before.

Writing the aptitude and waiting in the Ghulam Ahmed Hall for the results to be announced is one of the most testing phases of my life. Neither that impatience nor the euphoria you feel when you actually clear the test, can be described in mere words.

Aptitude is just the start. The real horror arrives with the commencement of interview sessions. Whoever said that "The anticipation of the event is much more threatening than the event itself" couldn't have been more right. Especially the CSE and the IT department students are grilled in the technical interview. An idle mind is a devil's workshop. When you're waiting there for your call, you imagine a zillion possibilities of getting yourself kicked out of the interview. I still remember how my legs wouldn't stop quivering and my friend who was sitting beside me just couldn't get his hands to remain steady. After all that torture, I was sitting outside the room and I had just 2 more minutes to convince my mind to remain optimistic and my heart to stop thundering like a hailstorm.

That moment when I was waiting outside the interview room, nerve-racking emotions running through my body, imagining all sorts of psychotic questions that I might have to face, right that moment, I suddenly noticed my three best friends standing at the other end of the corridor. I couldn't see their faces clearly but I guessed that they must've been done with their interviews. I wanted to forget everything and go meet them. Then I thought, I just need to maintain my decorum for 10 more minutes. I just have to go into the room, say whatever I know and then get out of it so that I can go meet my friends and then discuss how horribly we embarrassed ourselves during the interview and laugh it off. That moment, I felt no fear, no inhibitions, no misgivings. All I could think of is, get into the room and nail it. And I did.I came out smiling widely and then the hilarious anecdotes of my friends drove HR off my mind.

I felt so confident after the tech interview, that I could have conquered the world. Accenture has been my dream company since even before I joined MJCET. I didn't want to lose this golden opportunity. HR is basically to convince them of two things. One - You are worthy of their company. Two - You won't ditch them and join some other company or go for higher studies. And I didn't need to fake on both the fronts. Convincing him needed only one sentence "It’s my dream to experience life at Accy, and if not today, no matter what, someday I'll make it." Frankly, those words weren't hollow. I truly meant them.

Victory might make you over-confident. It’s human tendency. And when it was time for Infosys HR, I was advising people around me and didn't bother to prepare anything. And rightfully so, the HR interviewer brought me back to earth. He had a counter for every single sentence I uttered in that room. I never felt so disgusted with myself. I thought, I'm nothing of an engineer, and I don't deserve this job. But later when I came to know I was selected, I realized, maybe he was just trying to test my patience. Never did I show him any signs of annoyance or irritation. I maintained my temper and my smile. I guess, that was the winning mantra.

Wipro was a back up option for me (no offense). I was 90% confident that I'll get into Accy. But when your career and your future is at stake, it's always wise to not take any chances.

Getting placed after 3 years of an amazingly bitter sweet ordeal called Engineering, is really an accomplishment, but more than that, it's the moment when you tell your parents after all the hardships and all the trials they went through just to keep you happy and get you educated, that you're actually gonna stand on your own legs very soon, the pride on their faces truly completes your victory.

Some might argue that they got placed even without any prior preparation. It's at times like that, that you need to ask yourself - are you willing to take that chance? No one who is serious about their career would answer in the affirmative. So the dilemma is solved. Now pull up your socks and go chase your dreams. And while you're at it, my sincere advice, don't forget to enjoy every moment of that struggle and tension. ‘Coz trust me, those are the moments you're gonna remember mostly and cherish all your life.

Bleed Blue !!!

(One moment ! Just one. Still gives me goosebumps. The 60 secs that define my addiction and craziness towards Cricket. I wrote this one as an article for my college magazine.)

2nd April 2011. Finally the day arrives. Very happy that the wait is over, excited that we are gonna win the Cup but at the same time, apprehensive that we are facing SL.

We paint our faces with the Indian flag and wear Blue to support our team. The venue of the epic final is our own Wankhede Stadium at Mumbai.

First innings, SL score 274.

Not an easy target to chase, our hopes dwindle a bit but we are all watching it with our families, friends, cousins. We try to console and boost each other's morale.

All hopes are on Sehwag and Sachin to give us a great start. To make us believe that this is our time now. Sehwu goes for a duck and Sachin leaves for 18 :|

World's every expletive is being directed towards Malinga by every Indian cricket fan.

Shattered and broken, I give up. I wanted to break my tv set. I was almost in tears.

Gambhir and Kohli are on the crease. When experienced players didn’t stand a chance, I wasn't counting on these two young guns to fire. How wrong was I?

They make a partnership of 83. A flicker of hope arises in 2 billion peoples’ hearts.

I tell my mom not to leave the room. I stop texting. Everyone stops texting me. All facebook notifications and updates have stopped. A silent plea to all my friends, "Don't you dare jinx it". Somewhere a friend is not allowed to change his seat, someone is not allowed to go and take a leak, someone is banned from the tv room and the deluge of such superstitions go on. 2 billion hearts unify and pray for a miracle.

52 to win from 52 balls.

Yuvi and Dhoni are on the crease. We know that we can do it. We suddenly start trusting India more. As if, 31/2 never happened. It is as if when Sachin fell, we didn’t curse our heart out "Arey yaar, India ka kuch nahi ho sakta".

We try not to raise our spirits too high in case they are shattered again. Iss baar agar armaan tute, toh jhel nahi paayenge.

35 to win from 36 balls.

Dhoni escapes a run out. SL go for the UDRS for a lbw appeal against Yuvi but its turned down. Heartbeats are racing. India is getting reckless. We don’t want anything stupid to happen. Our prayers are intensified now.

27 to win from 24 balls.

Dhoni and Yuvi hit 4s. We are back on track after scoring 11 runs this over.

16 to win from 18 balls.

Malinga has the ball. Dhoni hits two back-to-back 4s. Revenge is indeed sweet !

5 to win from 12 balls.

We know the victory is near but we don't expect this. Dhoni goes for the helicopter shot.

Indians all over the world - silence. No reaction. It’s unbelievable. Did he just do it ?! Did we just win the match ?! The Cup ?! Am I dreaming? All these thoughts come alive in the span of a nano second. How amazing is the human brain ?! :D

The goosebumps set in. Finally we realize, yes WE DID IT ! After silence, comes the eruption. Thunderous wallop ! The roar ! We cry, we hug, we laugh, we are open mouthed, we cheer, we shout, we scream, we applaud, we grin and then back to shock again :D

India are the world champions.

That 60 secs of my life, when Dhoni hit that six and the overwhelming emotions after that - the most precious.

The victory lap: Sachin is being carried on the shoulders of Virat Kohli. He holds the Indian flag aloft. He can't stop smiling. The lap continues. The flag waves. The crowd roars.

Kohli speaks: Tendulkar has carried the burden of nation for 21 years;  It was time we carried him.

The presentation ceremony: Dhoni is the Man of the Match and Yuvi is the Man of the Tournament.

Dhoni gets the cup, the team is with him in the podium and fireworks begin. The Indian team roar and roar.

Sachin Ramesh Tendulkar is now holding that cup that eluded him for so many years. And he screams in joy. What a night !

We beat Aus in Quarters and Pak in Semis.

How many times did we beat our two most rivalled opponents in the World Cup and go all the way to win it ?! Will it happen again ?! Maybe. Hope never dies. But I know everyone will agree with me on this - Woh pehli baar ka nasha kuch aur hi hai ! :D

For life, WE BLEED BLUE !!!

WHY ?!

(This is not a blogpost written over a month. This is exactly how I feel right now. I don't know why I wrote this. Maybe I just want to feel better.)

Why did you all have to leave us ?! Why can't you be here with us today ?! I dont like this feeling. I feel so hollow.

Its Eid in 2 days. And you people aren't with us :'(

I was telling my mom today, that we don’t have anyone, and I could feel those tears at the brim of my eyes. But I won't let mom know. I don't want to remind her of everything.

And she tells me that we'll go there someday. Maybe next year. Not the exact place of course, it won't be the same. She makes me believe that those days will come again.

I wanna tell this all to dad. But I won't. I can never utter those words in his presence. Coz i know, he'd feel 100 times worse than how I'm feeling right now. May be he already is. I love him too much to make him go through that internal struggle.

I thought I was very brave. I can block anything. I can face anything. But I know now, no matter how much I run away, that pain, it never subsides. There is no escape to this. All our life. That emptiness will forever remain in our hearts. In our souls.

I look at others and think, how damn lucky are they ! But they never realize. Foolish people. They throw it all away. And when they finally see its worth, it's gone. Their hands try to hold on to something that is lost now. There is no turning back. Regret is all you'll be left with. And void. I don't know if I should envy them or pity them.

And now he is so far away too :'( The one person who can come any close to assuaging our grieves, isn't here with us. But I hope and pray, it's the last time ever. He'll be back next year, to where he rightfully belongs.

I know, that in many ways, I'm luckier than many others. What I have today, is beautiful. There is no substitute for this, of course. I'm so very proud of it. And hence I should stop cribbing about what I don't have and be content and glad for what I have. I usually am. But today, hearing to others' tales, it all flashed before my eyes. I lost my control. I hope, someday, we'll all be in a happier place than we are today.

And not a day passes, when I don’t pray for you all up there. I hope you dwell in heaven for eternity. We miss you. Every single one of you. More than words could ever express. More than you can imagine. More than we can ever imagine.

Rest in peace !