Bleed Blue !!!

(One moment ! Just one. Still gives me goosebumps. The 60 secs that define my addiction and craziness towards Cricket. I wrote this one as an article for my college magazine.)

2nd April 2011. Finally the day arrives. Very happy that the wait is over, excited that we are gonna win the Cup but at the same time, apprehensive that we are facing SL.

We paint our faces with the Indian flag and wear Blue to support our team. The venue of the epic final is our own Wankhede Stadium at Mumbai.

First innings, SL score 274.

Not an easy target to chase, our hopes dwindle a bit but we are all watching it with our families, friends, cousins. We try to console and boost each other's morale.

All hopes are on Sehwag and Sachin to give us a great start. To make us believe that this is our time now. Sehwu goes for a duck and Sachin leaves for 18 :|

World's every expletive is being directed towards Malinga by every Indian cricket fan.

Shattered and broken, I give up. I wanted to break my tv set. I was almost in tears.

Gambhir and Kohli are on the crease. When experienced players didn’t stand a chance, I wasn't counting on these two young guns to fire. How wrong was I?

They make a partnership of 83. A flicker of hope arises in 2 billion peoples’ hearts.

I tell my mom not to leave the room. I stop texting. Everyone stops texting me. All facebook notifications and updates have stopped. A silent plea to all my friends, "Don't you dare jinx it". Somewhere a friend is not allowed to change his seat, someone is not allowed to go and take a leak, someone is banned from the tv room and the deluge of such superstitions go on. 2 billion hearts unify and pray for a miracle.

52 to win from 52 balls.

Yuvi and Dhoni are on the crease. We know that we can do it. We suddenly start trusting India more. As if, 31/2 never happened. It is as if when Sachin fell, we didn’t curse our heart out "Arey yaar, India ka kuch nahi ho sakta".

We try not to raise our spirits too high in case they are shattered again. Iss baar agar armaan tute, toh jhel nahi paayenge.

35 to win from 36 balls.

Dhoni escapes a run out. SL go for the UDRS for a lbw appeal against Yuvi but its turned down. Heartbeats are racing. India is getting reckless. We don’t want anything stupid to happen. Our prayers are intensified now.

27 to win from 24 balls.

Dhoni and Yuvi hit 4s. We are back on track after scoring 11 runs this over.

16 to win from 18 balls.

Malinga has the ball. Dhoni hits two back-to-back 4s. Revenge is indeed sweet !

5 to win from 12 balls.

We know the victory is near but we don't expect this. Dhoni goes for the helicopter shot.

Indians all over the world - silence. No reaction. It’s unbelievable. Did he just do it ?! Did we just win the match ?! The Cup ?! Am I dreaming? All these thoughts come alive in the span of a nano second. How amazing is the human brain ?! :D

The goosebumps set in. Finally we realize, yes WE DID IT ! After silence, comes the eruption. Thunderous wallop ! The roar ! We cry, we hug, we laugh, we are open mouthed, we cheer, we shout, we scream, we applaud, we grin and then back to shock again :D

India are the world champions.

That 60 secs of my life, when Dhoni hit that six and the overwhelming emotions after that - the most precious.

The victory lap: Sachin is being carried on the shoulders of Virat Kohli. He holds the Indian flag aloft. He can't stop smiling. The lap continues. The flag waves. The crowd roars.

Kohli speaks: Tendulkar has carried the burden of nation for 21 years;  It was time we carried him.

The presentation ceremony: Dhoni is the Man of the Match and Yuvi is the Man of the Tournament.

Dhoni gets the cup, the team is with him in the podium and fireworks begin. The Indian team roar and roar.

Sachin Ramesh Tendulkar is now holding that cup that eluded him for so many years. And he screams in joy. What a night !

We beat Aus in Quarters and Pak in Semis.

How many times did we beat our two most rivalled opponents in the World Cup and go all the way to win it ?! Will it happen again ?! Maybe. Hope never dies. But I know everyone will agree with me on this - Woh pehli baar ka nasha kuch aur hi hai ! :D

For life, WE BLEED BLUE !!!

WHY ?!

(This is not a blogpost written over a month. This is exactly how I feel right now. I don't know why I wrote this. Maybe I just want to feel better.)

Why did you all have to leave us ?! Why can't you be here with us today ?! I dont like this feeling. I feel so hollow.

Its Eid in 2 days. And you people aren't with us :'(

I was telling my mom today, that we don’t have anyone, and I could feel those tears at the brim of my eyes. But I won't let mom know. I don't want to remind her of everything.

And she tells me that we'll go there someday. Maybe next year. Not the exact place of course, it won't be the same. She makes me believe that those days will come again.

I wanna tell this all to dad. But I won't. I can never utter those words in his presence. Coz i know, he'd feel 100 times worse than how I'm feeling right now. May be he already is. I love him too much to make him go through that internal struggle.

I thought I was very brave. I can block anything. I can face anything. But I know now, no matter how much I run away, that pain, it never subsides. There is no escape to this. All our life. That emptiness will forever remain in our hearts. In our souls.

I look at others and think, how damn lucky are they ! But they never realize. Foolish people. They throw it all away. And when they finally see its worth, it's gone. Their hands try to hold on to something that is lost now. There is no turning back. Regret is all you'll be left with. And void. I don't know if I should envy them or pity them.

And now he is so far away too :'( The one person who can come any close to assuaging our grieves, isn't here with us. But I hope and pray, it's the last time ever. He'll be back next year, to where he rightfully belongs.

I know, that in many ways, I'm luckier than many others. What I have today, is beautiful. There is no substitute for this, of course. I'm so very proud of it. And hence I should stop cribbing about what I don't have and be content and glad for what I have. I usually am. But today, hearing to others' tales, it all flashed before my eyes. I lost my control. I hope, someday, we'll all be in a happier place than we are today.

And not a day passes, when I don’t pray for you all up there. I hope you dwell in heaven for eternity. We miss you. Every single one of you. More than words could ever express. More than you can imagine. More than we can ever imagine.

Rest in peace !

Life goes on..

There are two things that can explode my tear ducts in about less than a second. One would be when my dad or my bro scold me (regardless of whether I deserve it or not). And two - when someone reminisces about my grandparents. You might notice this glitch that I said “when someone reminisces” and not “when I remember”. There is a reason to this too. I don’t ever think about them if I can help it. I block them totally out of my mind whenever needed to. Yes, I’m cowardly. And I’m not proud of this fact at all. But that’s the way am made up. I miss them. I miss my grandparents like hell. I so badly wish they were here with us. And it pains me to realize that there is no way to get them back and so I take the easy way out – not think about them. And when someone mentions them, bang, am outta that room as fast as my legs could take me. Yeah I agree again, am a coward !

All my friends mention how close they are with their maternal cousins and tell all the real mischievous pranks they keep plotting against each other. Sounds fun but it always confused me why is it that I don’t know MY maternal cousins so well ?! To be frank, I got to memorize all their names when I was 10 or 11. It shouldn’t take that long for any normal loving family. Should it ?! Why did it happen to me then ?! I was forced to face the reality when a friend of mine was excited about the end of exams because she’ll be going to visit her maternal grandparents just like every summer. And here is why.. 

My maternal grandparents expired when I was maybe 5. I don’t even remember their faces. Here, photographs and pictures are my only mode. How can someone miss a person he/she has no memory of ?! You can’t. Well, such is my case. 

When I meet my mom’s aunts and uncles during weddings and functions, they make a point to mention my grandparents and it is always with an esteem amount of respect and a surge of love and that really gets me spell bounded every single time. They never forget to relate a few anecdotes here and there, and I can actually conjure up their images. For me, these are the memories. And these memories are enough for me to miss them. And I do !

And because of the early demise of my maternal Grandparents, we’ve always spent our summer holidays with my paternal grandparents. Actually my paternal family is not exactly as loving as a happy family should be and I’ve longed more than once that they’d be like my mom’s family. But it is not to be.

Kids can hardly understand any of these complications. So I’ve always enjoyed my holidays and have many memories of the absurd and the ridiculous adventures me and my cousins enjoyed. I was never close to my Dada or Dadi. My Dada was a very reputable person in my village and people often used to come to him for advices and needs. He was a doctor. I always loved him and felt immensely proud of him. One day someone told me that he treats the poor and the needy for free of charge and even supplies them medicines, I started regarding him with a new-born affection. When I grew up, every time I went to his place and when a neighbor or a passer-by used to look at me, I used to act all proud having this “Yeah, he is MY grandpa” look :D Might sound childish but I always feel special when I’m there.

He had this liver problem. But I was always sure that my grandpa is strong and he can pull through anything. He visited Hyderabad and had undergone excellent treatment. Suddenly, one night we got a call that he was seriously ill and admitted in a hospital. We couldn’t get train reservations. So we decided to travel by car. But it’s not safe to travel by highways in the night time, so we decided to start early in the morning. It took us around 9 hrs. We were 2 hrs late. That was the first time I had experienced the feeling of losing someone I loved. But as they say life goes on..

Just two years later, I was writing my 11^th boards. My last exam was to be on 16^th of March. But because of some strikes, it got postponed to 18^th. I was in a way happy to have a break, so I could prepare better. We got a call a day before that my Grandma wasn’t well. If I had finished my exams on schedule, we could have made it. But again, it was not to be. After my exams I even went out with my friends to celebrate because no one really told me the seriousness of the situation. She passed away on 19^th March 2007 and we were a few hrs late again. To this day, I curse my 11^th boards and curse the stupid strike. 

And as earlier mentioned, it’s not a loving family. So we drifted apart. I went back to that house just twice when we were offering special prayers for my grandparents. Now, I don’t feel like going there. It’s empty. And it also scares me to find the place so calm when a few yrs back it used to be all crowded and filled with laughter of us kids and gossips of our aunts and that humor of our uncles and that glow on the faces of my grandparents. I miss them and those days but times have changed and it’s not the same and I don’t wish to go back. I again don’t have the strength to face such vast a change. But I have the memories and I’ll always hold on to them come what may. And life is still going on.. 

I look back onto the day when my Grandma expired. That day I realized I’m all alone. Ya, I have my parents, my brothers, cousins, friends .. But that shadow of an elderly love was forever gone. Am still a kid and they’re all gone. But I knew, life will go on, and it still does..

Betrayed !

On the journey of life, we meet a lot of people and make many friends but only a select few of them bother to know the real you and just like that they become a very integral part of your life. Even if you don't talk or meet on a daily basis, there exists a very special and true bond. It often happens with me that when I acquaint with someone new and start knowing that person, I get so intrigued; it becomes difficult to imagine my life without that one person. Is it just me or everyone feels so ?

And then suddenly when you are forced to move on or get over a very dear friend, what should one do ? Well you might wonder why I need to move on. Fights, misunderstandings, busy life are not among the reasons.

What if it’s an outright betrayal ? Not so easy to overlook, is it ?

The person has been lying to you every single day of his/her life and never once has your trust in them faltered. And a day comes, when you see past the camouflage and realize what a fool you've been. Obviously the initial reaction is shock and then it turns to disbelief, anger, rage, sobs, coldness and then back to anger.

 

 I'd like to quote here: When you mess with one part of a person's life, you're not messing with just that part. Unfortunately, you can't be that precise and selective.

Humans are fallible ! And so, after a while, maybe you find it in you to forgive. People regard hatred as a weapon to avenge those who've hurt you. But in the process, all you do is hurt yourself more. It is so foolish to let the anger and the betrayal affect you when all you did was trust someone you loved and regarded as a true friend.  

And then, what if that person is willing to accept the vice and wants to reconcile ?! Certainly, I'm not inflamed anymore, but how is it possible to regain the trust ?! Going back to something is harder than we think. I'd question the authenticity of every single word, thereupon. It would be unfair for the both of us. It’s like that saying - Once broken, can never be the same. And I feel the need to mention, I'm not being frigid. I do feel the lacuna !

But what's more important is to never let that one chapter (words can be deceptive) of your life question the loyalty of your other friends. Never let one (beep) person force you to change your perspective towards trust or tamper with it.

In matters of trust, be compassionate enough to forgive and forget, but it solely depends on an individual, if you are willing to give that person a chance to regain it (or sufficiently prepared to be shattered again ;-) )