(This is not a blogpost written over a month. This is exactly how I feel right now. I don't know why I wrote this. Maybe I just want to feel better.)
Why did you all have to leave us ?! Why can't you be here with us today ?! I dont like this feeling. I feel so hollow.
Its Eid in 2 days. And you people aren't with us :'(
I was telling my mom today, that we don’t have anyone, and I could feel those tears at the brim of my eyes. But I won't let mom know. I don't want to remind her of everything.
And she tells me that we'll go there someday. Maybe next year. Not the exact place of course, it won't be the same. She makes me believe that those days will come again.
I wanna tell this all to dad. But I won't. I can never utter those words in his presence. Coz i know, he'd feel 100 times worse than how I'm feeling right now. May be he already is. I love him too much to make him go through that internal struggle.
I thought I was very brave. I can block anything. I can face anything. But I know now, no matter how much I run away, that pain, it never subsides. There is no escape to this. All our life. That emptiness will forever remain in our hearts. In our souls.
I look at others and think, how damn lucky are they ! But they never realize. Foolish people. They throw it all away. And when they finally see its worth, it's gone. Their hands try to hold on to something that is lost now. There is no turning back. Regret is all you'll be left with. And void. I don't know if I should envy them or pity them.
And now he is so far away too :'( The one person who can come any close to assuaging our grieves, isn't here with us. But I hope and pray, it's the last time ever. He'll be back next year, to where he rightfully belongs.
I know, that in many ways, I'm luckier than many others. What I have today, is beautiful. There is no substitute for this, of course. I'm so very proud of it. And hence I should stop cribbing about what I don't have and be content and glad for what I have. I usually am. But today, hearing to others' tales, it all flashed before my eyes. I lost my control. I hope, someday, we'll all be in a happier place than we are today.
And not a day passes, when I don’t pray for you all up there. I hope you dwell in heaven for eternity. We miss you. Every single one of you. More than words could ever express. More than you can imagine. More than we can ever imagine.
Rest in peace !
