My life. My way.

I love my life. No, it's not perfect. It's perplexed and complicated. Only as much as I let it.


The regrets of the past, the inhibitions for the future and the constant instability and stillness combined making the present, it's not perfect. But that's no reason to not love it. Do I want to change anything about it ? Definitely yes. But would I ? No. 'Coz then it would become uncomplicated and boring. Predictable even.

There are days when I feel like I have no purpose in life. And days when my goals are crystal clear. Even days when the feeling of my existence doesn't sink in. All I feel is void. And more importantly, the days when I feel alive. Like a free bird flying high in the sky in her favorite season. Like a flower that has just bloomed and feels absolute bliss.


What makes these days more momentous is the excruciating ennui I experience during the others. As they say, you can't appreciate light when you have no idea about the darkness. Hence, I welcome them all. The pain, the sorrow, the glee, the euphoria, the agony, the insomnia, the jitters, the excitement, the fun, the nostalgia, the craziness, the madness - the being ME. No rules, no pretenses. No fear of being myself.

Yes, just like everyone else, when I do something I'm not proud of, I hide behind tunnels and build barriers so I could feel good about myself. But my conscience sweats all it can to find it. The guilt pours in. Followed by the fear of karma. Then the justifications of your deed. The hollowness of the justifications. The helplessness. And then the real repentance. The regret. This cycle never ceases. Not for me. Is that a sign of a good conscience ? How do you even differentiate between good and bad ? Even if there was a way to do it, I know it for a fact I'm not a qualified person for that. So I don't try to analyze or compare myself with others in this regard. I don't even ask myself. I just know. That the regret I feel is deserving. It's the right way to live life. There's nothing to be ashamed of. We are humans. Prone to all the disasters ever possible. A few, we create. So it's ok to have regrets. It's even healthy. It makes you a better person.

When asked a simple question "what do you want from life?", we often make it so complicated by flashing images of all our fantasies. Difficult to pin on just one image. Maybe even impossible. When we finally do, the fear of missing out on something larger. And in the end, instead of an explicit view, we choose to be abstract about it. We sum it up by saying maybe love, health, wealth, happiness. Some creative people choose to say "world tour", "own a restaurant", "become an actor". And some over creative ones choose "land on the moon", "time-travel" and what not. :| Why make it so complicated ? Why can't you just say you want to be happy ? Isn't being happy the most important aspect of one's survival ?


I remember when a friend asked me the same question a couple of years back and I said "Get a job that provides me with enough money to buy as many books as I can read". And even today, when I think back on that reply, it brings a smile on my face. :-)
But if I were to have what I wish for and be located in, say Bangalore, away from my home then my wish, my dream, my desire - it would mean nothing. I wouldn't even be able to appreciate it. So does that mean I should have answered with "to be always with my family" ? What if both my wishes were fulfilled but good health eluded a member of my family ? Would I be happy then ? Or should I just pile up all my wishes and squeeze them in one sentence ? :P


See the complexity ?! :D It could have all been avoided if I had simply answered with "I just want to be happy". But of course if someone were to ask you "what makes you happy?", the long process will start all over again. :D And there is no one answer to this question. At least, not for me.


Go live your life. Have your share of laughter and tears, make a few mistakes and enemies, build some promises and regrets, owe a couple of apologies and debts, create memories, chase your dreams and savor your fantasies but never forget what matters the most to you. Always choose health over wealth. And family over everyone else. :-)