Sometimes, words fail.

I know that you know that I regard you as family, but somehow, I feel that you still don't understand the importance of it. That you underestimate the place you hold in my life. I don't know what I would do in a world without my mom and dad or my brothers. Kinda difficult to imagine. Just that way, my world somehow seems incomplete without you too.

Everyone knows that I have intimacy issues. I know humans are not telepathic, but still I can't put it in words what certain people mean to me. Yet you are one of the very few for whom I make the effort. I try and string the words together even though I don't want to. Coz with some people, I don't want it to be too late in telling them to stay. Stay in spite of how inconsiderate and flawed I'm. Coz I value them in my life.

The time I heard your song. Did I ever mention that I stopped listening to the original one and listen to yours instead ? Every single time.

At times when we are both too proud to reconcile after an argument, I might act like I don't give a damn, but I do. If I don't see you online for a few days, it kills me not to know if you're fine. Half of me is too proud to ask, the other half is too scared. Scared that you'd think I'm just using it as an excuse to talk and don't mean it. Scared that even if you needed someone to talk to, you wouldn't consider me. I just want you to be ridden of any worries hanging upon you, and if I can help in any way, I do want you to consider me. Coz you have had your share of worries and tears. I don't ever want you to feel helpless again. But sadly, I have no power regarding that.

The times when you call me "baji". I simultaneously hate and love it. I know it's not your intention but it has a very manipulative effect on me. I would never have let you have the Gryffindor account otherwise. :| It's the forbidden word in my dictionary. But if ever you want me to do something that I absolutely don't want to, this four-letter word would do it for you. :P

The frustration I feel when you talk about your studies, I wanna punch something. I know you're trying hard, and I know your ways of coping with it are totally different from mine, but you make it sound so inconsequential that I can't get enough of the words "What the hell is wrong with you !!" Even with all your efforts to mess up your career, I still deep down believe in you. Believe that someday you'll make something of yourself. Something worthy that you could be proud of (however lame it turns out to be :P)

Times I made you cry. I lost count. :P But let me assure you, you were not the only one doing the crying. Every single time it happened, I hated myself. Like I don't deserve to be a part of your life. Coz YOU don't deserve to be felt like that, or treated like that. Every time, I promise myself that it won't happen again. Yet, every time I break it. Eventually, I might forget about the incident, but the guilt doesn't go away. It stays. And I'll just have to live with it.

This was a text I was sending you on your 18th birthday. But my hand wavered and I couldn't hit "send". It's been in my drafts ever since.
"My bro once told me that he might not be the world's best bro but he will be the world's only bro to love me so much. And I can say the same for you. Happy birthday babes."

The times you show me pics of the weirdest accessories in the world and go on and on about how much you love them, it annoys the hell outta me. :| But when I get over that thought (takes a while though :P), I try to remember them. Maybe you'd love to have them some day. But I can't keep it in my memory for more than a few days :P But the point is, I care enough to TRY to remember them. 

There were times when you were at the receiving end of my mood swings. The last time I said 'F*ck you', it was the day my bro left and I knew I won't be seeing him for another 2 months. And the reason I didn't talk to you since, is not coz I don't want to, not coz am mad at you, but coz I feel ashamed. I don't know how to make amends. Maybe you don't give much thought to it, but I do. I feel like a loser. Who would abuse her own sister coz she was missing her brother ?! Yeah me !!

Yes, am pretty sure we'll have many more misunderstandings in the future, more fights and more arguments, longer intervals of not-talking sessions, lose our tempers in the worst ways possible (we're very good at that), but there will never come a time, when I'd stop caring about you. Of course, since am the one who's doing the talking and not you, I dunno if I can say the same of you. Wish that I stop suffocating you with my unending questions. A year back, I wouldn't have stopped. But now, if you ever feel like you've had enough, I know I'd easily let you go. Coz now, you can sensibly decide for yourself what is good for you and what is not. And I'd blindly trust your judgment. Coz you deserve that. I can't force you to hang on to me, just coz MY life seems incomplete without you. I have learnt, that it's not about me at all. It never was.

Till a few years back, I was glad that I didn't have any sisters coz I never felt the lacuna for it. Now I'm glad coz I have you and I couldn't have wished for anyone better. But I also know that YOU deserve someone better. I'm sorry for all the times I hurt you and caused you pain. I don't think there is anything I can do to make amends.