Life goes on..

There are two things that can explode my tear ducts in about less than a second. One would be when my dad or my bro scold me (regardless of whether I deserve it or not). And two - when someone reminisces about my grandparents. You might notice this glitch that I said “when someone reminisces” and not “when I remember”. There is a reason to this too. I don’t ever think about them if I can help it. I block them totally out of my mind whenever needed to. Yes, I’m cowardly. And I’m not proud of this fact at all. But that’s the way am made up. I miss them. I miss my grandparents like hell. I so badly wish they were here with us. And it pains me to realize that there is no way to get them back and so I take the easy way out – not think about them. And when someone mentions them, bang, am outta that room as fast as my legs could take me. Yeah I agree again, am a coward !

All my friends mention how close they are with their maternal cousins and tell all the real mischievous pranks they keep plotting against each other. Sounds fun but it always confused me why is it that I don’t know MY maternal cousins so well ?! To be frank, I got to memorize all their names when I was 10 or 11. It shouldn’t take that long for any normal loving family. Should it ?! Why did it happen to me then ?! I was forced to face the reality when a friend of mine was excited about the end of exams because she’ll be going to visit her maternal grandparents just like every summer. And here is why.. 

My maternal grandparents expired when I was maybe 5. I don’t even remember their faces. Here, photographs and pictures are my only mode. How can someone miss a person he/she has no memory of ?! You can’t. Well, such is my case. 

When I meet my mom’s aunts and uncles during weddings and functions, they make a point to mention my grandparents and it is always with an esteem amount of respect and a surge of love and that really gets me spell bounded every single time. They never forget to relate a few anecdotes here and there, and I can actually conjure up their images. For me, these are the memories. And these memories are enough for me to miss them. And I do !

And because of the early demise of my maternal Grandparents, we’ve always spent our summer holidays with my paternal grandparents. Actually my paternal family is not exactly as loving as a happy family should be and I’ve longed more than once that they’d be like my mom’s family. But it is not to be.

Kids can hardly understand any of these complications. So I’ve always enjoyed my holidays and have many memories of the absurd and the ridiculous adventures me and my cousins enjoyed. I was never close to my Dada or Dadi. My Dada was a very reputable person in my village and people often used to come to him for advices and needs. He was a doctor. I always loved him and felt immensely proud of him. One day someone told me that he treats the poor and the needy for free of charge and even supplies them medicines, I started regarding him with a new-born affection. When I grew up, every time I went to his place and when a neighbor or a passer-by used to look at me, I used to act all proud having this “Yeah, he is MY grandpa” look :D Might sound childish but I always feel special when I’m there.

He had this liver problem. But I was always sure that my grandpa is strong and he can pull through anything. He visited Hyderabad and had undergone excellent treatment. Suddenly, one night we got a call that he was seriously ill and admitted in a hospital. We couldn’t get train reservations. So we decided to travel by car. But it’s not safe to travel by highways in the night time, so we decided to start early in the morning. It took us around 9 hrs. We were 2 hrs late. That was the first time I had experienced the feeling of losing someone I loved. But as they say life goes on..

Just two years later, I was writing my 11^th boards. My last exam was to be on 16^th of March. But because of some strikes, it got postponed to 18^th. I was in a way happy to have a break, so I could prepare better. We got a call a day before that my Grandma wasn’t well. If I had finished my exams on schedule, we could have made it. But again, it was not to be. After my exams I even went out with my friends to celebrate because no one really told me the seriousness of the situation. She passed away on 19^th March 2007 and we were a few hrs late again. To this day, I curse my 11^th boards and curse the stupid strike. 

And as earlier mentioned, it’s not a loving family. So we drifted apart. I went back to that house just twice when we were offering special prayers for my grandparents. Now, I don’t feel like going there. It’s empty. And it also scares me to find the place so calm when a few yrs back it used to be all crowded and filled with laughter of us kids and gossips of our aunts and that humor of our uncles and that glow on the faces of my grandparents. I miss them and those days but times have changed and it’s not the same and I don’t wish to go back. I again don’t have the strength to face such vast a change. But I have the memories and I’ll always hold on to them come what may. And life is still going on.. 

I look back onto the day when my Grandma expired. That day I realized I’m all alone. Ya, I have my parents, my brothers, cousins, friends .. But that shadow of an elderly love was forever gone. Am still a kid and they’re all gone. But I knew, life will go on, and it still does..

Betrayed !

On the journey of life, we meet a lot of people and make many friends but only a select few of them bother to know the real you and just like that they become a very integral part of your life. Even if you don't talk or meet on a daily basis, there exists a very special and true bond. It often happens with me that when I acquaint with someone new and start knowing that person, I get so intrigued; it becomes difficult to imagine my life without that one person. Is it just me or everyone feels so ?

And then suddenly when you are forced to move on or get over a very dear friend, what should one do ? Well you might wonder why I need to move on. Fights, misunderstandings, busy life are not among the reasons.

What if it’s an outright betrayal ? Not so easy to overlook, is it ?

The person has been lying to you every single day of his/her life and never once has your trust in them faltered. And a day comes, when you see past the camouflage and realize what a fool you've been. Obviously the initial reaction is shock and then it turns to disbelief, anger, rage, sobs, coldness and then back to anger.

 

 I'd like to quote here: When you mess with one part of a person's life, you're not messing with just that part. Unfortunately, you can't be that precise and selective.

Humans are fallible ! And so, after a while, maybe you find it in you to forgive. People regard hatred as a weapon to avenge those who've hurt you. But in the process, all you do is hurt yourself more. It is so foolish to let the anger and the betrayal affect you when all you did was trust someone you loved and regarded as a true friend.  

And then, what if that person is willing to accept the vice and wants to reconcile ?! Certainly, I'm not inflamed anymore, but how is it possible to regain the trust ?! Going back to something is harder than we think. I'd question the authenticity of every single word, thereupon. It would be unfair for the both of us. It’s like that saying - Once broken, can never be the same. And I feel the need to mention, I'm not being frigid. I do feel the lacuna !

But what's more important is to never let that one chapter (words can be deceptive) of your life question the loyalty of your other friends. Never let one (beep) person force you to change your perspective towards trust or tamper with it.

In matters of trust, be compassionate enough to forgive and forget, but it solely depends on an individual, if you are willing to give that person a chance to regain it (or sufficiently prepared to be shattered again ;-) )

Give it a thought..

(This post is entirely my friend's experience and I do not take any credit for it.)

My day begins with someone screaming at me to wake up. I’m in too deep a sleep to acknowledge that it's not a dream. When reality strikes me, I wake up all miffed and look for the cause of it. Dad!

And then I remember. Dad had told me the previous day that he had an important conference to attend and I am not to delay him in the morning like I always do. But I did. I get up from the bed to do my daily chores. Though I tried to hurry, we still end up starting late (more late than we usually are). I was in a lousy mood myself because of the bad start, lack of sleep etc etc.. (name it and u got it).

He dropped me at the bus stop like he always does and my wait for an auto began. Suddenly a gust of wind blew my hair and I started feeling a lil better. I had this impulse to take a bus ride instead of an auto. Usually am excited about commuting through busses because of the variety of people I get to observe. Just sit back and look around at their moods, cultures or any irrelevant gestures about them. So I boarded one and it was empty. That didn't help raise my spirits, of course. Then slowly it started to fill in with a few people hurrying to work and students for college.

At the next stop, a few workers got in holding their "gampas" (some construction equipment). Bus was already crowded so they had to slog their way in. Every single person in the bus cringed at the sight of them. An old lady started screaming at a worker for brushing through her saree. A young man screamed at another for stamping his newly-polished shoe. The deluge of such insensible reactions weren't surprising. This is how workers and laborers (and many other category people) are treated in India. But the shocking part was those workers didn't mind it. It hardly affected them in any way. In fact they were totally oblivious to the people around them. And then I thought, how could it be that when only one person scolded me (and which I totally deserved), I could feel all gloomy and let it ruin my day and those people in the bus hardly receive any kind of loving gestures from anyone, seem so unaffected ?! We really need to start appreciating the excess of affection and love we get from everyone around us ! :-)

Change is not always good..

What good is change if it doesn't make you happy ?! Or if its not happiness that u seek, then why change ? Coz isn't being happy most important ?

Why do people these days constantly think about the way they look, the way they are, the region or case or creed they belong to, their status and especially what opinion others form about them. But why is it important ?!

Ok here is what made me ponder over this issue.
I have a friend and she is a lil fat. And she has no problem with it and I totally love that about her. But when one of the guys from my class commented something highly annoying about her, she wished she had some control over herself. And that's when I enter :D I know, am more the irritating type (and I especially like irritating her :P), but I really had to have a mature talk with her to make her feel secure about herself. And I did but it took a lot of patience on my side. And I think it was unnecessary because she was happy (and still is). When she gets no depressing thoughts about being over weight or any insecure feelings, then she is better off being that way. Why should anyone bug her to lose her weight ?! Especially her mom :|

Here, I can relate myself to it, but its just the opposite with 
me :P Am under weight. Well not really :P But everyone 
thinks so :| I have no issues with it and even my mom's 
occasional lectures have no effect on me. Coz I love myself. 
I love the way I am. And I don't see any reason why I should 
put on weight for someone else's happiness (or euphoria 
where my mom is concerned :P).

All am saying is, if u do not have a problem being the way you 
are, then get a life and stop obsessing about what other 
people perceive you as. Forget the society. You are not 
committing a crime by being fat or dark or belonging to some 
low caste or religion. If you do change yourself and be accepted by others, does that achievement make you feel proud ?! Is it even an achievement ?! 

But if you DO want to change, not for the sake of society but because for once u wanna be slim, then you can always do it :-) Nothing is ever impossible. And losing weight is just a piece of cake (oh but do avoid cakes and other tempting desserts plz :P). And for all those people who believe that they are doing it coz they want to and are still unsuccessful, they are just not interested. Its not effort that one needs. Its the intentions that matter. 

And all those people who think its fun to make fun of others, know that you are not perfect yourself. And of course, people who take offense in those comments are responsible for the 
fun those bastards have. Ignore the losers. Be yourself. Be the way YOU want !

Finally !!

Well it took real long for me to make this blog. Like everyone, I faced the same problems. Laziness, procrastination, not finding a good enough name, being very selective when others tried helping me :P and so on.. I made this blog nearly 3 months ago. But the cycle of problems repeated when it was time for my introductory boring post :P

As am already bored, I might as well have some fun boring others too :P

Hmm.. I created this blog just to dump all my stupid thoughts, feelings - mostly emotional, so weak-hearted ppl, stay away :P ; crazy and crazier dreams; and just my not-so-needed opinions about everything and life itself.

I'm not gonna introduce myself here, coz I'd prefer it if my identity remains anonymous. The reason would be that, I like to share my thoughts but at the same time I do not want to give anyone the chance to say that they really know me :D I know its really stupid, but am made that way (wiring problem :P). And I'd appreciate it, if my friends and followers and fans :P, do not on purpose or unintentionally mention it and blow my mask away :P (not that you'd not face life threatening consequences if u try annoying me :P)

My sincere thanks to all those friends who motivated me to make this blog. Finally after an year, they're deemed successful ! :P

P.S: I love using emoticons. Please bear with me :P